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Unfiltered Reflections: Volume 1

These are the real, unfiltered, unedited thoughts of women around the country as they navigate the heartache, stress, uncertainty, and change associated with the COVID-19 pandemic.

If it would be nourishing or cathartic for you to share your thoughts, we warmly invite you to journal alongside us, here. We’ll continue to update this blog post with more unfiltered responses. Our next journal prompt will be coming soon!


March 16, 2020, 8:27 p.m.

Hey Gals,
First off: how is everyone doing…how are your hearts? As COVID-19 establishes itself more firmly and actively into reality, it’s difficult not to become consumed with preparation… and worry.  I think we can all agree that a degree of stress and adrenaline is natural– it kicks us into gear and helps us prepare as best as possible.  But, idling in a vortex of anxiety isn’t productive… or good for our immune systems, which is really the important factor at this point. Right, I know, easier said than done. But, I think it would be good to hold each other accountable to taking care of ourselves, holistically, during this time. I’d love to hear one strategy that you’re currently employing to keep stress at a productive level.

For me personally, the news/media itself doesn’t trigger too much anxiety, but seeing OTHER PEOPLE’S responses to the news/media sometimes does, so I’m seriously limiting my social media time and choosing to mute accounts that aren’t productive, thoughtfully informative, or bringing my vibes up. (To clarify, that’s not to say stress or venting isn’t a totally reasonable, justified action! I just don’t have the extra emotional bandwidth to absorb any one else’s stress, so I’m bypassing it.) I’m also using this opportunity cooped up at home to minimize my pant wearing and hair washing as I smoosh small, sticky humans; and that brings me quite a bit of joy as well. So there you have it, that’s TWO from me. <carefully places TWO gold stars side by side on her chest>.

Your turn…

Now let’s hunker down and kick this virus in the metaphorical ass.

Sending out highly sanitized fist bumps!
Justine N
@justineinthemountains


March 16, 2020, 8:49 p.m.

Hi all!

We are pretty stressed about the whole not sure if we will have income, but pretty sure we will still have a mortgage and health insurance to pay.

The boys and I have had a very untimely severe colds the past 2.5 weeks, with similar symptoms of covid, so that has been nerve wracking to say the least (we’ve been to urgent care 3 times and no one has wanted to test us, so I guess we are ok?!)

Bah I’m rambling! (Did I mention I fractured a bone in my foot?!?!? Ahhhh)

Strategy – weighted blanket. I can’t sleep without it now.

Virtual hugs to everyone!

Stressed and lonely in KC,
Sarah B
@sarahchristab


March 16, 10:30 p.m.

Well on a logistical level we are fine. Husband works from home most days anyway and we already homeschool so life on the checklist seems Usual. Headspace: my agoraphobia came back swinging and to be honest having an anxiety attack to check my mail makes me feel like it’s 1000x steps back from where this journey after PPD started. I agree with you Justine it’s not the news, it’s people’s reactions that are getting the best do me. It hurts my soul to see some of these reactions.
Ways I’m coping? Communication. Sharing these fears out loud, having a strong group of friends I can truly talk to here. Moving my body, alternating nostril breathing and finding a little joy in the mundane things of life like catching my three year old telling himself he loves himself on video or in the mirror.

Sarah- I am so sorry to hear you and your boys are sick. Please let us know if there is anyway we can help even if it’s from across state lines. I can order a mean take out or grocery order ?.

Anyway I appreciate you  taking the time to check in on us as well.

Hugs-
Leslie K
@solid_rock_life


March 16, 11:08 p.m.

We’re doing ok here in Utah. We were on vacation for four days. We came home yesterday and I went to the store for the first time in a week today and shelves were empty. Cue all the anxiety. Not to mention I’ll probably be laid off indefinitely. But we’ll be ok. Husband has a flexible job that will accommodate him working from home. I’ve got schedules laid out for the kiddos homeschooling these next few weeks and we have toilet paper. Grateful for all the things. This is affecting everyone, in very different ways. Overall I feel a sadness right now. For all of earth.

Two things to cope:

1. I was literally just now deleting the Facebook app off my phone. I don’t have the mind space for it right now.

2. I meditate daily. Sometimes twice a day. I need that time to re- center and frankly just calm the fuck down. It’s my secret weapon and keeps me sane.

Sarah, sending you love and all the healing vibes so you guys can feel better.

Love you all.

Xoxo
Kristi F
@kristiannfield


March 16, 11:37

I’m doing fine personally, just doing a lot of catch up at home that I haven’t gotten the chance to. I still get to drive out to the Wildy for my clients, but parent visits have been at a stop which is difficult for parents who have kids in treatment. So doing a lot of calls with parents that are super anxious during this time. Our clients are probably the safest since they are out in the wilderness lol. I do the rest of my work at home anyways so isn’t bad being home.

My self care is def limiting social media but also I’m trying to get my practice fully up and running so I can offer teletherapy to some families or individuals that need it right now. Doing some meditation and reading. I’m also watching me some Hulu and amazon prime! That’s been Glorious:)
Sarah, I hope you guys get and feel better soon! Sorry to hear that!
Judith

@sadorawellness


March 17, 6:26 a.m.

Hi Ladies!

We’re ok. Elliot can work from home -though with the rambunctious level these past days I’m not sure how much he’s able to get done.

We were half homeschooling already. So that transition has been OK. But I do wish I’d gotten to go to parent teacher conferences yesterday so that I could attack that from a more comfortable level.

I’m finding lack of space in my home to be a challenge. And honestly I really miss my alone time. Like unless I plan to get up at 4 am that sh*t won’t happen for a month. I also seriously underestimated how much chocolate ? and desserts ? I need for a month.

Positives
-I’ve been making progress on illustrations for a child’s book about the smells of nature
-the kids homeschool schedule looks a lot like “hike, hike and hike”
-I’m using the dedicated time at home to teach things I can’t when the kids are in school (laundry, starting fires, whittling, scrambling eggs)
-banned myself from FB and insta
-started journaling more
-whenever I feel the urge to look at Facebook I’ve been practicing Double Trouble from HP on the piano. After 30 days I’m going to be fucking awesome.
-I’m going to teach myself how to cook vegetarian main dishes- cheap and I think dried beans store forever right?

I’m happy to help blog if we need that. I’ll even take photos this time ha! Now if my kids would wait until after 7 am to ask when I’m starting school that would be fantastic. This girl needs coffee first.

Peace and Chicken Grease
-Heidi S
@walking.towards.less

Also eat lots of chicken broth. That’s some grade A immunity booster right there!
Also- I’m obviously low on socializing because thats a lot of e-mail.


March 17, 2020, 7:04 a.m.

Hey mamas,

Can I just say how inspirational reading all of these emails was?! Like you mamas gave me some amazing ideas on self care and all that Jazz.

We’re okay over here- scared? Yeah. Anxious? Yeah. But also using this time to kind of just be? Also yeah.
We made a homeschool schedule- but I’m hella type b and we already aren’t sticking to it? bit we are happy and still learning (in theory) haha.

I’m thankful we (the hubs and I) are in a place where we both get to be home- sometimes- except when the hubs drives me nuts and I’m like- don’t you have somewhere to be?! Lol- I’m kidding (mostly).
We are farmers to Mike works remotely (like by himself) all the time so that’s good. Not amazing that the market is in shamlbles but hey, we will make it work.

I’ve been focusing on adaptability and being kinder to myself for perceived shortcomings (ie: it’s 9:00 am and my kids aren’t up yet because they were up hella late because we had a very intense game night last night haha).

If anyone wants to chat- I’m here.

Love ya ladies.

Alex M-H
@rewild_mama


March 17, 7:33 a.m.

It’s so wonderful hearing from all of you. Just as many of you already said, if there’s anything I can do to help anyone, please let me know how.

Because I live in a small town and I’m generally not on social media, I’m doing my best to live in a bubble the best I can and avoid as much panic as possible. Of course, I’m still googling “coronavirus” every other hour, just to see what kind of updates there are. We didn’t leave from Friday – Monday due to a 24 hour non-c-word sickness that passed throughout the entire house. Everyone is on the mend now, so hopefully it stays that way. I work remotely and my husband is a teacher, so we’re managing mostly like it’s a reallllllllllllly long spring break.

I’m trying to find the beauty in all the madness, even though it’s hard. Using this time to connect with my immediate family, keep up on emails and texts from friends, clean my house (whatttt), and just generally moving a little slower. I also want to figure out how I can support the smaller businesses, like ordering takeout from the couple of small restaurants we have in town.

Unlike all of you amazing mamas, I am not good homeschooling or long-term entertainment with my kids. After painting 2,128 pictures, making 927 play doh sculptures, and coloring 92 pages, I’m running out of ideas. It’s probably time I start researching ways to keep my small creatures happy while they’re inside. The weather is starting to warm up though, so I think we’ll be able to get more outside time. Hooray for that!

Much love to you all!! XOXO
Stephanie F
@backcountrypixels


March 17, 10:31 am

This thread has been such a light in this dark time. Thank you all for your vulnerability, honesty, and optimism. I completely agree that other people’s response is what is really damaging my state of mind – specifically people who are acting as if this isn’t their problem and they can continue living their lives normally. This is a time for us to come together and take action for our neighbors and communities.

Never in my life has my privilege felt more apparent. My husband has a stable job and is working from home and my best friend moved in to help us with childcare. I own a travel company, so that has come to a screeching halt and I’m certainly concerned about the future, but my current needs are met. As with most cities, everything in Denver is shut-down: schools, restaurants, bars, museums, libraries, etc.
One thing I have noticed is my 3yo has become more sensitive, which makes me aware that my anxiety is affecting him. I am working diligently to control my anxiety by getting off Facebook and only checking the news 2-3 times a day, meditating 2-3 times daily, exercising/moving daily, and trying to find a schedule (I showered, curled my hair and put on lipstick today, just because!). Here are a couple of my favorite resources for anyone interested in mindfulness and meditation:
1) I know there are a ton of guided meditations out there and it can be hard to choose the right one. I see a mindfulness coach weekly and find her guided meditations to be perfect for my needs: https://www.sacredandsimple.com/meditation
2) At naptime, I let my son choose a meditation from the Insight Timer. Now, it’s something he looks forward to, and it allows us to connect (and me to take a midday chill pill).

As far as AMI content, I would love to see the space be reserved for positivity and a celebration of all the amazing people in the world. So many sites have taken the role as information disseminators, so I have found few places to take my mind off of the situation. I think it is possible to offer support without necessarily telling people how to handle the situation, because truth be told, none of us know what we’re doing. As good intentioned those posts about ‘how the create a schedule’ and ‘how to keep your child engaged’ may be, they often make me feel like I’m not doing enough (perhaps a personal trigger I should address vs. a general issue for the public?). I feel like a reminder that the world still exists and there is still so much good out there could be good for the soul.

Breanne K


March 17, 4:27 p.m.

Oh my heart is with all of you. These are uncertain times and the economic stress is so real. My husband will be home starting tomorrow. I am not certain if he will be paid or not — they closed the Y where he is the Wellness Director until April 6th (a soft date, it may extend). I only work part-time at a local church, which is closed for services and hosting any events, but the office is open. It’s a confusing time that is ever-changing as we all figure out how to do what’s best for our families, co-workers, and communities.

Here is a list of things that I love that I am leaning into hard as my family transitions into full-on social distancing:
— low expectations for continuity of academics. I have a 1st grader and a 4 year old, and I’m keen on letting them be free to entertain themselves and follow their own curiosity. No color-coded schedules for me — I can’t handle that kind of pressure.
— romance novels. No joke. Hot and steamy escapism. No shame in my game and I think the hubs ain’t complaining either 😀
— action adventure movies with good looking people. Frivolous, unbelievable, fun, and full of explosives.
— trashy reality TV like Love Is Blind on Netflix. I’m so busy cringing that I can’t think of the outside world. HA!
— working out. Today was my last workout at the Y, and let me tell you my anxiety has helped me fucking CRUSH some of my workouts lately. Slamming heavy things and moving my body are a balm. I know my routine is about to get fucked up a bit, but I’m going to make a point of continuing my slam sessions at home.
— video calls with friends near and far. Seeing the faces of good friends, sharing our experiences, and laughing together is LIFE
— group text threads where we share all the memes
— calling my family that doesn’t live nearby
— planning that trip for when we are released from social distancing

That’s what’s helping me. And if you really need a good laugh and some good writing, please, for the love of God, go on this journey of embarrassment in this Twitter thread:
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1239489588353216512.html

You all are amazing and strong. These are uneasy times. Please, stay well, be brave, and be kind. We can do hard things — TOGETHER.
Love,
Sarah G.
@sunbaked7


March 17, 10:12 p.m.

I love this email chain. I am feeling the highs and lows like a roller coaster so getting helpful ideas from all of you has been so lovely.

A few things….

I’m terrified. We were set to open a new bouldering gym in Atlanta May 1st. This gym is literally all of our money (big loans) and dreams wrapped up in one space. I’m a teacher so there’s income, but the implications of what’s to come are weighing so heavy.

I’m grateful….I have actually wanted to homeschool for a while, but starting a small business meant I had to work. Now I get to spend my days teaching my own kids and not living the rat race for a bit. I made scavenger hunts, painted, and watched documentaries all in one day. It was magical.

I’m weary ….the impact this is having on people I know and love in all of the ways keeps me up at night. I don’t do well with the unknown and neither do my kids. Anxiety below the surface of even a magical day is taxing.

I think about my youngest (he’s 5) and I try to see what he sees….extra snuggles, his mom attempting to teach him how to play the piano, and basically being outside all day….it’s all fun and games right now and I hope I can keep up the joyful pieces of this.

How to do that?

Watching nonstop Schitts Creek when the kids go to bed.

Going outside, even if to just walk up and down the street, as much as possible.

The Marco Polo app and seeing my friends faces on the regular.

Technology- honestly trying to provide some adequate level of virtual learning seems like normalcy and that helps.

Coffee and yoga.

Big hugs friends.
Jana B
@janaburrow


March 18, 3:19 a.m.

I’ve immensely enjoyed reading every single one of your stories.  Each of you put a smile on my face during a time I’m truly still trying to process.  I send an abundance of love to each of you and AMI as a whole??

I have to admit with no TV, not going on social media often and not keeping up with the current news; on Sunday here in Puerto Rico ?? when we were told we have to stay home until the end of the month, I was totally flabbergasted.  We still have at least 20+ earthquakes daily, people are still displaced from their homes- that’s what I’ve been following daily, not a virus.

So now I’m shifting my mindset quickly.  Nothing is open here except medical, gas/groceries. People are being fined for going to the beach or being outside.  Police are legit chasing people down.  Businesses are being fined if opened. We’re on total lockdown until the 31st.

Even in our gated community the pool is closed (homeschooling mama’s sanity place).
My husband’s cannabis company can be open during the crisis, so he’s working nonstop which I’m of course grateful for but I do wish he was at home to help with our 2 & 3 year old!
And a boohoo moment (Sarah I feel you!!) I twisted my ankle being super mom 14 days ago and I downplayed it at first.  I didn’t visit a doctor due to the slow, unorganized medical care system here. It’s still very painful and swollen (RICE baby). I love yoga, surfing and running so not being able to do the activities that bring me peace and joy has been difficult.  Every time I find myself focusing on the downside of not doing my normal movement, I give gratitude to my body despite how uncomfortable it’s feeling.

Also, I need to learn to buy travel insurance (hint hint all you mamas ?). We have a trip abroad planned next month and even the hotel room is nonrefundable?? It’s for our kids’ birthdays. I try to focus on the present but it’s hard not to be curious about upcoming travels.

Oddly with all that being said I still feel calm and fine.  I’m more or less just in “whatever mode” and going with the flow.  Having zero expectations with this entire situation, myself or my kids has been a helpful mindset.

What’s keeping me in check:
Zero news/virus updates
Zero social media
***Spring cleaning EVERYTHING.*****
A sitter for my kids (she comes 3 hours at a time)
Dancing/loud music/singing
Reading
Journaling
Yoga (modified ?)
Meditation
Mini-walks with the kids
Painting galore
Sneaking to the beach
Homemade breads
Gardening with the family
Learning a new language
Science experiments with the kids
Phonecalls/Text/FaceTime

Netflix and homemade popcorn ?
Cannabis

The best thing we can all do during this time is focus on gratitude.  From spending extra time with our family to finding appreciation in the smalls things in life we took for granted prior to this virus.

It’s good time to reflect on ourselves and our families and realize life isn’t so bad in any situation we’re in- it’s all about our attitude.

The shelves were empty last week at our local grocery store. Wish me luck, I’ll be there at 6am when they open in hopes of Lysol, bleach maybe even strawberries if we’re lucky 🙂

Take care all you sweet women?

Much love,
Xoxo
Brooke M
@mountains2seas


March 18, 7:47 a.m.

Hello beautiful souls!
Well done making it through another day! I feel like we need to make etch marks on the wall with each passing day ?
I have a lot of feels right now… On the lighter side, I find it ironic that during our first year *not* homeschooling, my kids are sent back home ???‍♀️ So, that’s a pretty seamless rhythm for us to fall back into. The weather in MN is less than ideal in March but we are making the most of it anyways with lots of time freezing our hands off outside hiking/biking/playing basketball and reveling in the sun when it shows up. Also, my March running streak has never been so consistent. Thank you social distancing/forced closures/and family stress for pushing me out the door every day ??

What if find helpful, albeit necessary, during this time:

Running
Meditation
Making delicious meals
Reading with my kids
LOTS of cuddles
Listening to the Popcast while I run (mindless and hilarious entertainment)
Making sleep a priority
Letting myself feel all the feels
Writing
Marco Polo with friends
Limiting news/social media
More running…

Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without running.

Before the pandemic hit hard here in the Midwest, I had been swimming in personal/familial upheaval so honestly, this is a nice distraction. Shit be A LOT right now. Like, a LOT.

Keep yourselves centered mamas. Don’t let the shit storms pull you away from yourself and your needs. Yes, your family probably needs more from you right now, but so do you. So take the time you need to care for yourself, even if that means extra screen time and pbjs (again) for the kids ??

You’ve got this. WE’VE got this.

So much love to you all ?

Emily C

@adventuringmama


March 18, 2020, 9:47 a.m.

Hello from Alaska!

This thread has been a lovely way to start my morning.

Things worrying me… We were supposed to start our move to Seattle in 6 weeks for my husband’s job (he’s in the Coast Guard). That is most likely delayed but we have no idea how long. Or how long it’ll take for our stuff to show up/get delivered. We have renters moving into our house end of May so we might be without a home for a while. Fingers crossed it all works out.

Luckily, my husband’s job is secure, we have plenty of food and other supplies, the weather has been beautiful, and my kids are totally into Mommy School. And I’m very thankful we live in a place where it’s so easy to get in nature and rarely see another person.

I am a big time planner so I’m having a difficult time dealing with this uncertainty. Somethings I’m doing to help:
Take things one week at a time and try not to think about our move
Get outside as much as possible
Make a daily schedule
Chat with friends/family often
Binge watching Parks & Recs
Reading books before bed instead of my phone

Still having a hard time figuring how to squeeze in a workout.

Thank you all for sharing! ❤

Andrea H
@adventurous.andrea


March 20, 2020, 1:37 p.m.

WOW…what.a.week.

I’m just now responding to this as my emotional and mental self has been running at full capacity for the last five days.
We flew home from my brother’s wedding on Sunday through DFW — which we later learned had confirmed cases of COVID-19 that had passed through that airport and had been on the airline we were flying. Cue total panic on Sunday night when we got home wondering if we’d been exposed. (It also didn’t help that we’d been at a wedding with 150+ people…)

I hit up three grocery stores on Monday (we’d been out of town for almost a week, so we were slow to the draw on stocking up). Monday night I started to relax and accept that we would be self-quarantining just in case we were carriers. I was also seriously counting my blessings that my husband still had a job and was just working from home.

On Wednesday we get hit with a magnitude 5.7 earthquake in SLC.

I am a midwestern-raised person who has never in my wildest dreams experienced something like that. I will never forget the feeling of sprinting to wake up my kid, while our entire home was shaking and things were falling off the walls, to run and hide under our table. There were 165 aftershocks throughout the day on Wednesday (we probably felt about 15 of those), and I had a pit in my stomach for two days straight. At one point I was sitting on my kitchen floor, hands in my face, trying to calm myself down from physically shaking after a pretty gnarly aftershock.

It’s now Friday and I feel like I’m finally picking up pieces of my brain and putting them back together. Or at least attempting to. A week ago feels like a month ago. Life is happening at lightning speed while simultaneously dragging by. I’ve been stretched in ways as a person and a mom and a wife that I didn’t know possible — all within 7 days.

I’m thankful for Facetime and family and the french cafe playlist on spotify that as made my home feel like I’m in a cafe in Paris sipping espresso.

Definitely making a stiff old fashioned cocktail tonight. Sending massive bear hugs to you all.

XOXOXOXO
Michelle H
@michellehepler


 

March 27, 12:40pm
Things here in WA are crazy. Basically everything but grocery stores, gas stations and pharmacies are shut down. Restaurants are take-out only, and the fanciest restaurant in Seattle is serving burgers and fries through a make-shift take out window. Everyone in my home, except me works for REI so they have all been sent home for at least the next 2 weeks, maybe more. I’m thankful for a company that values their employees so much.
My biggest stress factor is that my 64 year old dad lives with us, and friends in the medical profession say I should separate him from my 4 year old, but that seems too heavy. I need to maintain some sense of normalcy in all of this. On the bright side, the weather has been pretty good and nature is never shut down, so that’s where we’ll be 80 % of the time. Lots of walks and bike rides. The other 20 % I’m just enjoying getting things done that I keep putting off, like finally getting the youngest on a schedule and getting the yard ready for a garden.
I am always thankful for this community for adding a bright spot to each day, and now more than ever. Love you all, and if any one needs any additional support please reach out. We are truly in this together?
Love,
RyAnn P.
@mountain_mama4


March 27, 12:47pm
My biggest issue has been seeing a lot of the younger generation thinking this won’t affect them (which perhaps it won’t) but my frustrations have gotten the best of me many times this week and I’ve lashed out when I probably shouldn’t have. I was worried about moving before this pandemic, but my high anxiety nature has made this process a lot worse. And as you all know, I planned every last detail to our roadtrip across the country which has now all gone out the window and I’m trying to “go with the flow”…. not exactly my forte.
With that said, the biggest things that have helped through this time is binge-watching my fav tv show of all time (Parks and Recreation) because it provides the humor I need. I also have been eating CBD chocolate because, well… it works and helps tremendously with my nerves.
We start our trip across the states tomorrow and I’m, of course, thinking the worst… sleeping in cars because hotels shut down, eating PB&J sandwiches because no more takeout, etc. So I’m preparing for all of this hoping that it won’t come to it. I’ll feel much better once we make it across the country.
Love to you all!
Sarah L
@mtns2motherhood


Words From Our Community

March 23, 3:48 a.m.

Here in VA everyone has gone full on panic mode emptying everything off the shelves like tp, cooking oil, chicken. I’ve been trying to see the humor in all of it…just picturing people panicking like “god damn it Martha go to Giant and buy every bag of carrot you can find. Corona is coming!”

But I love carrots too, so then I get sad again when I can’t find any.

When humor doesn’t work…I try to recenter myself from the cluster fuckery all around me, by packing the kids up for day hikes but a lot of the local trails/parks are being shut down because the same carrot stealing asshats are swarming the parks and not practicing social distancing (let alone leave no trace etiquette).

Bike riding has been a blessing and fun for urban exploring. Since businesses and schools are shutting up shop there’s some cool apocalyptic looking parking lots that are empty, tranquil, and perfect for bike riding with littles. It’s not the usual but it keeps us active, socially distance, and most importantly keeps mama from raging.

Stay safe and sane!

Jessi
@rowdiedondown


March 23, 1:38 p.m.

We are all looking for something Greater to stand on… someplace of security… a place of safety where the fear of what could be is Sheltered. In the midst of this, I have continually reminded my heart of this truth,

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

Becka Creger


March 24, 1:10 p.m.

I’ve been on a pretty good rollercoaster with all of this. I’ve been finding some happiness in getting back to family life…crafts, homemade food, and picnics (seriously, like parking somewhere and just walking into the national forest woods to avoid all the trailheads that are packed with out of towners). It feels right, and like something I was needing in my life this winter. It feels good to just be.

However, like some of you other moms mentioned as well, I’m a planner and the uncertainty of what’s happening is keeping me from finding joy in pulling out the calendar and filling it with trips. I’ve also found it hard to not have my sport, something to really get some adrenaline going and come home feeling better. I think I actually might start running again for some help with this.

Last night I pulled the plug on my social media accounts. All the information out there was seriously flaring my anxiety, and I just kept clicking on links and reading stuff I didn’t need to read. I keep thinking “oh I’ve got the rona”…I’m a little freaked out that the small ski lodge we stayed at has 4 confirmed cases now from while we were there (regretting that buffet now), but it’s also been 14 days today since we were there, so maybe I’m just suuuuper tired from trying to be supermom with activities and meals. I’m toning it down now.

Love to you all,
Heidi
@bccheidi


April 3, 2020, 12:58 a.m.

We vacillate, between fear and peace, passionate productivity and mind numbing scrolling, between laughter, giants, forts, and cloud pictures in the sky and screens, lists, homework and headphones. Connection within the disconnect. But I feel it, like a anchor, a weight on my heart, pulling me backwards. The headlines, death tolls, economic recession, unemployment, COVID-19 marching through every county, closing in, making my heart beat a little faster. An icy grip inside the cavity of my chest as I think about my mother, my newborn, my husband, my kids, laying, alone, in a hospital ward, ventilator humming beside them, dying of COVID-19. And I turn away, eyes of my heart shut. Back to the milky breath and fluttering eyelids of my six week old son. Back to the muffled giggles in the blanket fort and the pile of soggy snow clothes piled by the back door, and I thank God, for this blessing, for this time with them, this time to breath in their childhood a little longer, for the escape from society’s pressure to “do more”, “be more”. To still my heart, I run. I run past the quiet houses, the dark businesses, empty streets. Away. Past the edge of town. To the forest, the lonely winding trail, snow packed now, empty. Peaceful. My feet crunching up the mountain, the breeze lifting my hair and my worries, the sun kissing the lines of worry from my brow. When I return, so does “Mom”, the one who laughs, the patient one, the one who will wash the world away with a game of hide and seek.

Heidi Becksted
@mountaingoatsandtinytoes


Journal With Us

Writing out our experiences, fears, and sanity-strategies was a cathartic, nourishing experience and we’d love to extend a safe space for you to do the same. We warmly invite you  to take a few quiet moments to yourself, pour a cup of tea or glass of wine, and set an intention to be present with your thoughts for a few moments as you journal with us.

We will not be editing or filtering any of your responses. The simple rawness is what makes each and every response so approachable and authentic.

Use the form below if you are okay with us publishing your words and sharing them with the AMI community. Providing your name or social media information is entirely optional so if you’d prefer to submit anonymously, simply leave those fields blank.

One thought on “Unfiltered Reflections: Volume 1

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